I torture myself.  At 5 weeks most women are just barely learning they are pregnant and I had to go and find out way too early so I could just be tortured that much longer.  And here’s how twisted I am.  Days that I wake up feeling good make me anxious.  I’m not sick enough and therefore the hormones are not strong enough…. therefore, I’m not happy feeling good.

Yesterday a friend practically beat me down -I mean it in a good way 😉 for not letting myself get excited.  She made it very clear that I am (just like last time) virtually wishing this baby away.  It’s not intentional mind you.  I’m just too afraid to let myself  go through the anticipation because I’m afraid of the disappointment.  So my M.O. is always the same –  Expect the worst, hope for the best, BUT expect the worst.  So I’m sitting with idea of letting myself get excited.  Here is a list of things I avoid to not let myself get excited or at least guard myself from potentially bad situations 1) we’ve avoided telling Colton because I’m afraid of disappointing him  2) baby showers  3) pregnant women 4) women who were pregnant while I was pregnant  5) looking up the weekly progress of a gowning embryo  6) calculate my due date

So as I keep saying that I am more positive this time around I can see that I still have to put forth a lot of effort.  My next step is to allow myself to feel the anticipation.  Today, I woke up with very sore boobies, a little more sick and the notorious blue veins have now popped out on my chest.  I guess I’m on my way so far. 🙂

This is why I don’t keep this a secret.  I need the encouragement of others and how can they if they don’t know what’s going on.  This is how Jehovah is helping me.  He continually puts friends in my path at just the right time.


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