I’ve decided to start a separate blog on the subject of unexplained miscarriage. To start off I’m posting my original post made in October as an introduction. The rest of the blog I hope to be informative (and therapeutic… for me and hopefully others). Writing has been therapy for me all while growing up… and through many milestones of my life. I’m on a quest for answers and I’m slowly working through it. What I’m learning has been difficult to find at times so I hope to share information and I hope to learn from the stories of others. While I’m navigating through this uncharted territory I hope to share and make the subject of miscarriage easier to talk about.
The following was posted on Oct. 20 @ http://desireedurang.com/blog/?p=955
Let me start of by saying I am not unique or special. Also, I have a three year old son who I adore and a family I am eternally grateful for. I appreciate what I have. Let me also clarify that the purpose of my blog is to highlight aspects of my business and has never really been a personal blog but I have decided to use this platform for something happening to me personally that I know is affecting other women. I have issue with many websites which want to say I am 1% of women who experience multiple miscarriages. I am sorry but that research is tragically flawed as I know I am not alone and am not unique, if anything, sadly under researched. Here’s my story.
I was never one of those women who said I want to have children close together and “get through the diaper phase all at once.” I was one those moms who wanted to regain a little of herself back before she could even THINK of having another child! When my son turned two and a half I could finally breathe. I finally felt sentimental about the age two and felt like I must do this again. It’s all too clear that Colton is just not an only child. It’s just not in his personality to play independently and needs a built in buddy badly!
We got pregnant right away. I even planned an elaborate announcement for the family. I ordered custom fortune cookies that said “another grandchild is in your immediate future” I booked our favorite Chinese restaurant and enlisted our favorite waiter to help deliver the special message. It was an event! Then, at 13 weeks I go to my checkup and discover there is no longer a heartbeat. We know it happened between 12 and half and 13 weeks. The next day I was in the hospital having a D&C procedure. In one moment I felt pregnant and the next day I no longer felt pregnant. Total shock, YES, but I also felt like I just needed a quick “DO OVER” like I made a bad serve playing volleyball; a total mistake and well, cause “I’m a girl” the others will give me a “DO OVER.” I was on a mission for a quick “do over.” I read stories of women who got pregnant immediately after a miscarriage. That was all that was on my mind. I now lived cycle by cycle.
Then there was Colton. At two and a half he possessed an amazing understanding of what was going on. He understood immediately that there was “a baby in mommy’s tummy” and everyday poked at my tummy asking to see the baby. Then shortly after the miscarriage he laid his head on my tummy asking to hear the baby and I had to explain to him there was no more baby. He finally understood after that and stopped asking. Then, like a sixth sense, on the day of my original due date, an already three year old Colton began having a “three year old fit” [I mean like, “give me a toy NOW or I’ll cry and cough till I throw up”] crying for us to produce a baby for him right then and there. There is no reasoning with a three year old and we had to just let it pass as he cried. How he sensed it I have no idea! I was acutely aware of the due date passing by and what could have been. That date, as well as Colton’s pleading and crying stabbed me in my heart.
The next pregnancy I didn’t get my hopes up. At seven weeks I began cramping and spotting and my doctor confirmed the miscarriage. This one was completely unlike the first. This one never had a heartbeat. A fetus probably never formed. I know this is a very common type of miscarriage. So I (with my doctor) chalked it up to twice misfortune as they were very different circumstances.
So I decided I was ready for a break and I convince my husband to take a much needed romantic vacation to Mexico. I always thought that if you “take a break” that’s how you get pregnant… right?
Shortly after I am pregnant once again and I’m very cautious. The hormones finally kicked in and I am pleasantly sick. With my doctor we cautiously take blood tests along the way checking for everything. At seven weeks we have a heartbeat and I am tearfully relieved. Two weeks later there is no heartbeat. My doctor was taken by surprise as much as we were. No Explanation. We’ve checked all the usual suspects and nothing points to a cause. There is nothing to do but chalk it up to bad luck. The standard answer is even after multiple miscarriages chances are still in your favor for a successful pregnancy.
Now of course I’m gonna Google, Bing and Yahoo my way to some answers and they all seem to get their information from the same ol’ source which calls me 1% of women who will experience multiple miscarriages. No Way! No How! I am all too aware of other women I know personally, or know of ones who have experienced not just one but multiple miscarriage. It is NOT UNCOMMON! But strangely unexplained!
I post this not because I’m looking for sympathy, but because I know I’m not alone and it’s just not talked about much. I am on a journey for answers and I hope to help others in the process. I understand it’s a weird personal tragedy that can be hard to relate to. My fear was always the insensitive or dismissive comments. But I know we’re only human and mean well. I’ve probably said some insensitive comments at many points in my life. So I’m talking about it now. You can listen if you want. You can talk if you want.
As this blog is still about photography I thought I’d share a personal photo that is special to me. In the dim light of our old apartment there is my husband blissfully settling into fatherhood as Colton only three weeks old falls asleep on his chest. One of the few peaceful moments of a newborn.