On this journey for answers I have realized how important it is for me to talk. This club feels like a lonely one but the more I listen to the stories of others, the more I realize it’s a club with many members, only they operate more like a secret society -under silence-. Everyone grieves and deals in their own way I understand. However I observe that the subject of miscarriage has a sort of stigma that you just don’t talk about it. Why? Miscarriage is actually REALLY common. Most estimates say 1 in 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage. I don’t know if it takes into account multiple miscarriages… However it is not really discussed and many women just suffer in silence.
It’s difficult for some to be empathetic. Even after becoming a mom myself I still didn’t fully appreciate the impact of miscarriage on someone else. I can appreciate that many just don’t know what to say but they try to be helpful. After my first miscarriage I realized that the most comforting things just came in the form of acknowledgment and support. I received a few cards and flowers and that really was kind. That’s all I needed, a text message or card just saying We’re here for you. I might do another post on what not to say (-: but that’s for another time.
However by the second pregnancy I kept a tight lid on it because I didn’t want anyone being excited for me or making any comment at all. That miscarriage came and went rather silently. The third pregnancy I was cautiously optimistic but still wanted to keep quiet because I just didn’t want anyone getting their hopes up and trying to get my hopes up. After the first confirmed heartbeat I relaxed a little but didn’t say anything. By the ninth week I was faced with my third miscarriage and yet another D&C procedure. I was suffering in silence again. After a while I realized I needed to announce to the world that this is happening to me. I needed answers and felt very alone.
Now that I am talking, others are also talking to me. We are each finding a sympathetic ear and are feeling just a little less alone. I’m so amazed at the courage of so many women who continue to struggle with loss but continue to keep their heart open and not give up. So please don’t be afraid to share your story with anyone who will listen.